The Anger Mothers Don’t Talk About – Then and Now

Naming the Unspoken

Motherhood is wrapped in a language of joy, sacrifice, and unconditional love. We hear about the sleepless nights, the baby cuddles, the messy kitchens, and the occasional “meltdown.” But there’s another feeling that rarely makes it into polite conversation — one that sits just beneath the surface for many mothers: anger.

Anger is part of the human emotional spectrum, but for mothers it’s often treated as a shameful secret. The unspoken rule is clear: a “good mother” doesn’t get angry. If she does, she swallows it down, hides it behind a smile, or turns it inward into guilt.

Two decades ago, psychotherapist and author Naomi Stadlen put this truth into words in her book What Mothers Do. She captured the complexity of early motherhood with rare honesty, validating the contradiction of loving your child deeply while feeling frustration, resentment, or rage. Now, more than twenty years later, the demands have only intensified — and so has the silence.

Naomi Stadlen’s Insights – Early 2000s

When What Mothers Do was first published in the early 2000s, it landed like a quiet revolution. Stadlen spoke directly to the lived reality of caring for a baby — the invisible, essential work that others often overlooked, and the emotional turmoil that could accompany it.

She named what so many mothers felt but rarely said aloud: the pressure to meet an unattainable standard, the constant self-questioning, the emotional exhaustion, and yes — the anger that could flare when needs went unmet or when the sheer weight of responsibility became too much.

Her work was grounded in listening. In the mothers’ groups she facilitated, women spoke about the small and large frustrations that filled their days — frustrations that didn’t cancel out love, but coexisted alongside it. Stadlen argued that acknowledging those feelings was not only valid but necessary for emotional health.

Two Decades Later – More Connected, Less Supported

Fast forward to today and much has changed — but not in the ways mothers might have hoped.

The mental load, a concept once whispered about, is now widely recognised: the invisible, ongoing management of family life that falls disproportionately to women. But recognition hasn’t brought much relief. Instead, that load has expanded, fuelled by technology, busier schedules, and rising expectations.

Mothers now juggle:

  • Work and home life in constant overlap, with phones and laptops ensuring they’re always reachable.

  • School apps, group chats, and email threads that ping with endless reminders and requests.

  • Increased demands on children’s time — more extracurricular activities, homework expectations, and social commitments to coordinate.

  • Social media comparison culture, where every parenting moment can be polished, filtered, and judged.

In Stadlen’s time, a mother might have felt isolated within her home. Today, mothers can be both hyper-connected and profoundly alone.

The Persistent Myth of the Perfect Mother

The “good mother” ideal has always been a moving target, shaped by cultural norms and reinforced through subtle social cues. Two decades ago, that ideal was maintained through family expectations, parenting books, and the occasional raised eyebrow from a neighbour.

Now, the pressure is relentless and public. Social media showcases curated images of domestic bliss, DIY creativity, and healthy home-cooked meals — often without the mess, tears, or arguments that happen just outside the frame. The message is clear: if you’re struggling, you must be doing something wrong.

This myth doesn’t just affect mothers emotionally — it shapes their behaviour. Admitting to feelings like anger risks being judged as unstable, ungrateful, or unfit. So mothers stay silent, even when the silence isolates them further.

Why Anger Matters

As this ABC News article points out, anger is not a moral failing. It’s a vital signal. It tells us something is off-balance — that boundaries are being crossed, needs are going unmet, or too much is being asked without enough given in return.

When anger is acknowledged and understood, it can prompt change. When it’s ignored or suppressed, it can curdle into resentment, depression, or burnout.

Anger in motherhood might arise from:

  • Carrying the lion’s share of unpaid domestic work.

  • Feeling unsupported by a partner, family, or community.

  • Being constantly “on call” without time to recharge.

  • Losing a sense of personal identity beyond being “Mum.”

Barriers to Speaking Out

In Stadlen’s era, the silence around anger came largely from internalised ideals of motherhood. Many women feared admitting they were anything less than endlessly patient.

Today, those fears remain — but they’re amplified by the public nature of parenting. Social media makes it easy for strangers (and acquaintances) to pass judgement. Online backlash can be swift and vicious, discouraging honest conversations.

There’s also the practical reality that the community spaces once available for mothers to connect — playgroups, neighbourhood gatherings, extended family networks — are less common. Without these safe, local spaces, many mothers have nowhere to take their unfiltered feelings.

Pathways to Change

1. Reframe anger as information.

Instead of asking, “How can I stop feeling this way?” try, “What is this telling me about my needs?”

2. Share the load.

Redistribute domestic and emotional labour. This isn’t about “helping” mum — it’s about shared responsibility.

3. Build safe spaces for honesty.

Create communities — online and offline — where mothers can talk without fear of judgement.

4. Normalise the full range of feelings.

Love and frustration are not opposites. They can, and do, exist together.

5. Take systemic change seriously.

Parental leave policies, flexible work arrangements, and affordable childcare aren’t just “nice to have” — they directly affect maternal mental health.

Listening Across Generations

When Naomi Stadlen first wrote What Mothers Do, she was giving voice to a truth many mothers didn’t yet feel permitted to share. More than twenty years later, we’re still having the same conversations — but in a world where the demands have multiplied, the mental load has grown heavier, and the village has become a patchwork of online groups and fleeting in-person connections.

Anger in motherhood isn’t a problem to be fixed; it’s a message to be heard. It tells us something about the structures and expectations surrounding mothers, and about the support that’s missing.

Listening to that anger — and to the mothers who feel it — is not just an act of compassion. It’s a step toward building the kind of world where mothers can thrive without hiding the truth of their experience.

Further Reading: What Do Mothers Do - Especially When It Looks Like Nothing by Naomi Stadlen

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