Sharing Parental Leave: A Practical Guide for Fathers
Parental leave isn’t a holiday. It’s not a break from work, a chance to catch up on DIY projects, or extended bonding time with a baby while your partner "gets things done." When a father shares parental leave with the mother of his child, it’s vital to understand that his role is not the same as hers—and the expectations should reflect that.
The postnatal period is one of the most physically and emotionally demanding times in a mother’s life. She is healing from pregnancy and birth. She is establishing breastfeeding, which can be intensely consuming—both in hours and in energy. Her hormones are shifting rapidly. She may be navigating matrescence—the identity transition into motherhood—and she is biologically primed to focus on her baby. She may be vulnerable to postnatal depression or anxiety. Your role as a partner during shared parental leave is not to co-parent equally, but to support the person who has just done the most physically complex and socially under-supported task our bodies can undertake: give birth and feed a newborn.
What to Expect
Expect to be tired. Expect to be busy. Expect to feel unsure of yourself and your place in this new dynamic. And expect to roll up your sleeves and do the work.
Your job is to run the household. Cook the meals, tidy the kitchen, put on the washing. Keep snacks and water within reach during every feed. Handle visitors and protect her rest. Do the grocery shopping, book appointments, and keep track of any older children’s needs. Learn to see the invisible work and take it on without needing to be asked.
Your job is to support the mother. Not to “help,” but to shoulder the load that would otherwise fall on her by default. Check in with her regularly. Listen. Validate her experience. Don’t expect her to manage your emotional needs or guide your day. She is not the team leader—she is recovering and re-forming herself around this new life.
Support Breastfeeding—Don’t Sabotage It
It can be tempting to look for ways to “share the load” by offering to feed the baby. But unless breastfeeding is not part of the plan, this often creates more work than it relieves.
Demanding that she pump milk so you can bottle-feed the baby is not supportive. Pumping takes time, effort, and often impacts milk supply. Unless medically necessary or initiated by her for her own reasons, expressing breastmilk is not a shortcut to shared parenting.
Introducing formula so you can feed the baby can undermine breastfeeding. It may interfere with supply, create complications with latch, or shift the feeding dynamic in a way that causes distress or disappointment.
If your partner is committed to breastfeeding, your job is to protect that space and make it easier for her to succeed. Bring water and food during feeds. Make sure she has a comfortable chair and quiet time. Take care of the household so she can focus on feeding without distractions.
And remember: feeding is not the only way to bond. You can wear the baby in a carrier, bathe them, read to them, cuddle skin-to-skin, sing lullabies, and settle them to sleep. These moments matter. Your connection will grow—and it doesn’t depend on a bottle.
Feeling Left Out: Understanding and Reframing Your Role
It’s not uncommon for new fathers to feel sidelined during the early weeks. Everyone wants to know how the mother is doing, how feeding is going, how the baby is sleeping. You may feel like a bystander while an intense bond forms between your partner and child, and wonder where you fit into this new picture.
These feelings are real. They are valid. But they don’t mean you are unimportant.
This isn’t personal—it’s biological, emotional, and temporary.
The newborn’s connection with their mother is rooted in survival. She is their food source, their safe base, and their emotional anchor. Your partner isn’t choosing the baby over you—she is responding to powerful instincts, hormonal shifts, and the biological demands of feeding and caring for your newborn.
But your role is not smaller. It is different—and it is vital.
Right now, she needs you to protect her recovery, create a peaceful space, and meet her needs so she can meet the baby’s. That’s not being left out. That’s being the pillar that makes it all possible.
You will bond with your baby. It may take time. It may look different. But your baby will know your voice. They will settle to your touch. They will learn your rhythm. And over time, your presence will be just as comforting as hers.
You are not on the sidelines. You are the foundation on which this new family is built.
What Not to Expect
Don’t expect days filled with baby cuddles while your partner keeps everything ticking over. Don’t expect to split things 50/50 in the early weeks—it’s not a fair division when one parent is physically recovering and breastfeeding around the clock. Don’t expect praise or thanks for doing what needs to be done.
This is not a time for equality—it is a time for equity. Your job is to do what she can’t, carry what she shouldn’t, and make space for her to become a mother.
Yes, you may also feel challenged. You may feel lost or uncertain. But your transformation into fatherhood is not the same. It is not driven by hormones. It is not tethered to birth recovery or sleep deprivation due to hourly feeds. Your mental health matters too—but it arises from a different set of pressures, and you are better able to seek help and support than a mother deep in the fog of the fourth trimester.
Sharing parental leave is not a break—it is a time to step up.
To take on the load that lets your partner recover.
To protect her time with the baby.
To build a home where everyone feels safe, supported, and seen.
If you can do that, you are not just bonding with your baby. You are building something far more powerful: a strong, respectful foundation for your family’s future.
